We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
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