take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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