just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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