After last night, I could never be a politician.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
