no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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