I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
