I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
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