I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
