Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
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