I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
