I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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