So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
