I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
