So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
