i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
