are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
