if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
