who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
