Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
