you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
