Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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