she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I'm passing your future prison.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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