: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize