Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
