wrigley field is MILF paradise
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
