my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
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