i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
