dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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