if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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