watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
