why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
