woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
