we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
