I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
