Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
