Screwed.edu
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
