Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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