Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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