Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
