just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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