I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize