I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
