dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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