I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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