On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Porn is love you can see.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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