she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Michael Bay diarrhea
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I didn't notice because vodka
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
