Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Randomize
