guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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