i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize