life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
