Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
