Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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