I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
is it fun? or sober?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize