I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
