Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
