4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
