I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
