when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
you win again, gameday.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Randomize
