I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
