I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
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