My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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